Working Mom

I was offered a full time position with an educational software/training company yesterday. You think I would be jumping for joy since I've been out of work since August. You think I'd be doing cartwheels because they offered me a salary above the 'asking price' because of my education and experience. I should be happy because we can pay off our bills faster and be more comfortable. But I'm not bouncing off the walls, or performing some random cheerleader move, or screaming CHOO HOO at the top of my lungs. I'm pondering this moment and going over the pros and cons in my head. Of course, I have accepted the position. What else can I do? But my mind bounces from...
paying bills and having extra money for a weekend McDs run with the kids,
to not having a lot of time to bake fresh bread for the kids when they get home from school,
to being able to do some decent Christmas shopping and not feeling bad because we weren't able to really get nice things for the kids,
to not being able to drop off the kids or have time to go on a class field trip as a chaperone,...
The HUGE factor that is keeping me semi-calm in all of this tennis court drama in my head is the fact that my little sister is going to handle picking up the kids from school. As a Samoan, I don't believe in daycare, unless it's run by a family member. Family's are there to help each other out and if I can make some money and give some to my sister, we all win! She certainly doesn't expect the money but I would like to give it to her just the same. Win-win situation! Now, my brain can settle down, start planning activities and menu's, and go back to being a double-full-time working mom... with peace of mind.

Counting Heads

As we drove up to Brigham City today, we kept counting heads to make sure we had all of the children with us. Unfortunately, not all of them could come so we kept feeling like we were missing someone. With my oldest daughter in California visiting her grandpa and grandma, having tons of fun, and lightening grandpa's wallet by shopping til she drops, it was a day full of second looks and LOTS of counting. It's funny how things change when your eldest child is gone, even for a short weekend. Everything in the house seems to change. The other three were in charge of cleaning the house and did well, they took forever, but accomplished their goal. Is this a preview of how things will be when the kids start to go to college? Grandpa took her to tour the campus at Stanford University... I don't mind Stanford but the cost, WOW! If grandpa is going to show her the campus and get her interested, he better be setting up that savings account to help pay the tuition! As parents we have our children, love them like no other, and wait for the day when they are out of the house and there is peace and quiet. I don't think I'm going to be the parent that enjoys that setting. I love the noise. I love my kids when they play Scene It, or Scrabble, or wrestle in the living room... I love a little peace and quiet but not too much. It was hard enough to send my daughter out to her grandparents for the weekend. What extent of "basket case" will I be if she actually goes away for college? And will I continue to count heads because I always have a feeling that we're missing someone?

Birthday & Memorial

Today is my 3rd daughter's 10th birthday... She was the baby of the family for 51/2 years before the youngest was born and I wonder if she still feels the effects of that in her life. She used to be the youngest, the spoiled one, the attention getter, to the middle, often overlooked child because her younger sister is a diva... This is my Dragon baby, my Barbie Ninja, my future engineer. She used to stack anything or sort them in order: video tapes, DVD cases, blocks, pots, anything! Now she's a quiet 4th grader who loves to read and is still perfectly content playing by herself. My dad says out of all the girls, she reminds him most of me. That actually scares me!

On a sad note, today is also the one year anniversary of the tsunami that hit American Samoa, Samoa, and Tonga. I was watching a memorial video on Facebook and it brought tears to my eyes. I didn't know anyone in the video, none of my family was hurt (although by the grace of God my brother did not go into work early that day and his water plant was in one of the hardest hit areas), but my heart was hurting at the loss and fear this environmental disaster caused. Ua tiga lau fatu! My love for my homeland is neverending and to know this has happened to my people makes me wonder if I should be there to help them out. Or am I of more use to them here in the U.S.?

Homesick...

I'm at home, all the kids are in school, and I'm listening to an online Hawaiian radio station out of Las Vegas, folding clothes, and feeling completely and utterly homesick. Actually, any island would do at this point. Anything with a beach, warm Pacific Ocean waters, pua trees, guavas and mangoes, the ocean breeze filling the air. I look outside and all I see are desert trees planted by early pioneers and those of late, feel the dry heat, and wonder what I'm doing away from home. But I guess this IS home now. All of my children were born here and much as I'd love to move away, I know I couldn't do that to them. What soothes homesickness? Cooking things that remind me of home, listening to homestyle music, and thanking the big guy upstairs for health and happiness.

Life's curveballs... or quarterback sacks...

You know the saying about the dark cloud and the silver lining? Yeah, so I'm still looking for that silver lining. I've received a small glimpse of it but I'm waiting for the entire cloud to be covered in bright, sparkly, silver stars. Sort of like my 4-year-old's famous bag of lip gloss.

My silver lining has begun with being a stay-at-home mom. It wasn't voluntary, mind you, but it has become a great comfort, emotionally, personally, but not so much financially. I am comforted knowing I'll be here whenever I need to drop off or pick up my girls from school. I am still teaching because I am the tutor for an 8th grader, 6th grader, 4th grader, and preschooler. I can cook dinner and have even started baking, this time using things like yeast and cinnamon and things that don't come out of the box. I am happy, and yet...

I have so much time at home now but I feel like I'm not accomplishing what I need to; what that accomplishment is I DON'T KNOW! I have been wanting to rewrite Samoan legends. I have elementary teachers who are in need of "ethnic" stories for their classrooms to promote diversity and with the large population of Polynesians in Utah, this would be a great resource for them. I have two chapter books that I've started and am at a stand still. I want to write and bake and not worry about bills. Is that too much to ask? Has the sparkly lining grown since this post?

Half-Caste Part 4

Since I graduated from high school in 1988 and left for college, I've only been home three times. The first time in 1991, the second in 1996, and most recently in 2008. When I went home in 1996, my younger sister was graduating from high school. A male cousin, who was also graduating, was like my sister's twin. These two were born five months apart and were inseparable growing up. My uncle named them 'the monsters' because they were always causing trouble.

I was already married when I went home in 1996 and I had a different mindset. On my 1991 visit, I wanted to be the social butterfly and see all of my friends, meet new people, etc. This time around I just wanted to see my family and some close friends. Basically, I didn't want to prove my 'Samoan-ness' to anyone. I just wanted to be me.

I was in rare form during that visit. I wore a long dress and had my hair up in a bun at the graduation so my family kept calling me 'faletua' (minister's wife). Of course my husband's being half Tongan AND Mormon made that comment even more funny to them. At the graduation dinner, my sister and cousin had to stand up and say a few words. My cousin, with all of his White Sunday training, gave a speech in Samoan that would put many orators to shame. My poor younger sister had to follow this speech and since she is not a trained public speaker, she stumbled through her thank you's. What did I do to support her? I call out at the end of her speech, "Ia manuia outou matua, ae ola matou fanau, soifua". This was followed with a roar of laughter and many "Malo, Missy's". Sure, I proved my 'Samoan-ness' but at the expense and ridicule of my younger sister. I still feel like a total jerk! (By the way, the phrase I used was from our old White Sunday days where we would always end our church presentation with that particular phrase which basically means 'Good health and life to you, our elders, now us young folk are leaving, peace and love'.)

As if my catch phrase wasn't bad enough, others began feeling the burn of my 'Samoan-ness'. Afakasi? Where?

The big graduation party was on Saturday and there was a lot of preparation that needed to be done. My older sister, whom we refer to as 'Mafa Stewart', is very crafty and came up with the idea of a ma'ilo at each table for the party snacks. One of my cousins didn't know how to make a ma'ilo but I did. Guess who was teased by all of the aunties the rest of the day because the 'Tongan' girl had to teach him how to make a ma'ilo. Even my sisters were yelled at because they were living in Samoa and their sister from the states knew more Samoan stuff than they did. Although I don't know think weaving a plate out of coconut leaves constitutes as knowing more.

After the graduation party, my brothers, cousins, and I went to a nightclub. I spent the rest of the night explaining to dance partners; Yes, I live in the states; No, I'm not palagi, I'm Samoan; Yes, I was born and raised in Samoa. Again, the entire pedigree laid out to prove my 'Samoan-ness'.

The next week my sisters, a female cousin, and I went back to that same club and got kicked out because my younger sister was under-age. My older sister went off on the bouncer telling him there were several under-aged patrons in the club and why wasn't he kicking them out, did he know who we were, and he was just picking on us because we're afakasi. (Yes, she went there.) We went home very annoyed and, of course, all the male family members just laughed. So much for our ladies night out and our Samoan influence.

My final night in Samoa we had a family prayer. We had to look up a Bible verse in the Samoan Tusi Pa'ia and I found the verse before my cousin. That set off a whole new round of teasing because the 'Samoan' girl (Finally!) could navigate her way through the Samoan Bible. It was very difficult saying goodbye to my family, especially when they kept telling me to stay home. Of course it's hard to leave the people who love you the most and despite all of the teasing, could care less that you're afakasi. To them, you're aiga and that's all that matters.

Half-Caste Part 3

Being born and raised in American Samoa, I have always considered myself Samoan. Biologically, I am half Samoan, half Caucasian, but even my little white mom from North Carolina would refer to me as her 'Samoan girl'.

Growing up, my auntie Tinei would take me with her whenever she could to the village for choir practice, White Sunday practice, and she even told my mom the minister's wife wanted me to come to their Sunday School classes. This same aunt taught me the Samoan siva which I performed every given chance. I may be biased but my auntie Tinei is one of the most graceful, beautiful, entertaining dancers I have ever seen so to be under her tutelage meant nothing but the best. In 2005, we had our first family reunion in Hawai'i and there are some younger cousins who don't really know my siblings and I because we left for college before they were born. Two of these younger cousins also happen to be named after my older sister and me. My namesake and I decided the four of us should all do a siva together and see which pair were the better dancers. After the siva, my older sister's namesake said, "I didn't know your sister could dance like that!" My older sister said, "Who do you think taught her?"

Just in this conversation I saw the afakasi stigma rear its ugly head. I was my aunt's shadow growing up so obviously I would learn from her. Many times at school, I was picked to dance the siva for the entire class so I knew I needed to learn from someone; why not the best?

It seems like once you go off to college and live in the United States, people forget you ever lived in Samoa. This was certainly true when I went home for the summer in 1991. I had been away at college for three years and was excited to be home. It just so happened this was the summer of my uncle's saofa'i (bestowing of the chiefs title).

The afakasi issue became apparent during the saofa'i when the younger girls, one in particular, kept trying to take things away from me during the sua presentations as if I didn't know what I was doing. I finally asked the "one in particular" girl who the heck she was and if she was even family. She backed away quickly! The next conversation was with my cousins who were not presenting the sua correctly. I mentioned they should be presenting their gifts from their right sides as a sign of respect. My cousins, who were serving whichever side they felt, blew it off and said it didn't matter. Yeah, what does the afakasi girl know about Samoan culture?

A few weeks later we had to take gifts to our family in the village of Fagasa for a fa'aulufalega (church dedication). My uncle and I arrived a little late and my cousins (the same ones from the saofa'i) had to present the sua to the church and village elders. Guess who got yelled at for presenting the sua improperly? Afterwards, my cousins came out and told me they wished I was in there to help with the sua. Who's the afakasi? What? Oh, I've now been promoted to Samoan.